Terrible Relationship Killers And Advice On How To Avoid Them

As a relationship counselor, I'm continuously being asked why so many relationships fail. In the 37 years that I've worked with couples, I've found five key relationship killers:

The majority of people enter a relationship with a deep fear of rejection, and this fear motivates various types of controlling behavior. Controlling behavior falls into two important categories - overt control and covert control.

Overt control consists of many forms of attack, like blaming anger, rage, physical violence, judgment, criticism and ridicule.

Covert control includes submission, enabling, withdrawal, defending, detailing, lying and denying. Often a person at the other end of attack will reply with some type of covert control in an attempt to have control over not being attacked.

Controlling behavior often results in bitterness and emotional distance, causing the very rejection that it's meant to avoid.

Lots of individuals enter a relationship with a deep fear of being engulfed and controlled - of losing themselves. The second they experience their companion wanting control over them, they respond with resistance - withdrawal, unconsciousness, feeling numb, forgetfulness, and procrastination.

When one person is controlling and the other is resistant - that is actually an attempt to have control over not becoming controlled - the relationship becomes immobilized. Partners in this relationship system feel frustrated, stagnant, and resentful.

Lots of folks enter a relationship believing that it is their partner's job to fill their emptiness, eliminate their emptiness, and make them really feel great about themselves. When men and women haven't learned how to take responsibility for their own feelings and needs, and to define their own self-worth, they might pull on their partner and other people to fill them with the love they need.

A lot of people who really feel empty inside turn to substance and have addictions in an attempt to fill their void and take away the discomfort of their loneliness.

Alcohol and drug abuse, food, spending beyond your limits, busyness, internet sex and pornography, affairs, work, television, accumulating things, beautifying, and so forth, can all be used as methods to fill emptiness and avoid fears of failure, inadequacy, being rejected and engulfment. And they're all methods of shutting out your partner.

All relationship killers are derived from fear - of inadequacy, of failure, of being rejected and of engulfment. As long as you are coming from any of these fears, you will be behaving in one or more of the above ways.

The way out would be to develop a loving adult self who knows the best way to take full responsibility for your own feelings and needs. You can move beyond controlling, needy and addictive behavior only after you discover the best way to fill yourself with love and define your personal inner worth.

When you are willing to take your eyes off your partner's plate and turn your eyes completely on yourself, you'll be able to begin to do the inner healing work needed to heal yourself and your relationship.

A superb place to begin would be to download our totally free Inner Bonding course and begin to practice the Six Steps of Inner Bonding. The daily practice of these steps will move you out of your own addictive and controlling behavior and on to personal responsibility necessary to heal your relationship.

When you've handled this, women pickup lines are readily available on the internet to help you start fresh. If you'd like to locate a different place to pick up women as an alternative to going to a bar or nightclub, search: pick up for women.

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