Relationship Myths – DatingPortlandOregonCom

Find Out Why Junk You Think You Know Are Relationship Myths

Why Operating With Relationship Myths Sabotages Relationship Potential

Relationship MYTHs #1

You'll realize right away when you've met "the one."

Reality: Love at first sight is a real phenomenon–but it involves an awful lot of illusion, says Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., a sociology professor at the University of Washington and the author of Everything You Know About Love and Sex Is Wrong. "Men are actually more romantic than women," Schwartz asserts. "When they meet someone with a lot of the `must-haves' on their list–she's beautiful, she's sweet, she loves to hike–they stop taking in new information. Which means they often don't find out this person has other characteristics that make her wrong for him."

What to do about it: If you meet someone who seems perfect for you from the moment you clamp your eyes on her, keep in mind that there are plenty of things you don't know about her yet–and don't let your desire for her to be Ms. Right get in the way of finding these things out. On the other hand, Schwartz says, if you reject everyone you meet and haven't been in a committed relationship for a long time, you're probably either looking for the wrong person or too narrowly defining the qualities you demand in a partner.

Relationship MYTHS #2

Most couples in healthy relationships have sex every night.

Reality: A lot of guys think that once they're in a stable relationship, they can finally get all the sex they want. To which married men reply: Ha! While studies have found that committed couples do have more sex than singles, these couples are prey to plenty of obstacles to lovemaking: time commitments, kids, stress, fatigue, boredom, new episodes of The Sopranos. "The fact is, there just isn't as much loving going on as people think," says Daniel S. Stein, M.D., medical director of the Tampa, Fla.-based Foundation for Intimacy. He points to a study showing that 45 percent of married couples do the deed just a few times a month.

What to do about it: Actually, a few times a month may not seem so bad to harried couples managing kids, jobs and a mortgage–or to single guys whose sex-heavy relationships can be separated by months-long droughts. But if you want to join the 34 percent of married couples who engage in sex a few times a week, you can: Experts recommend putting as much effort into your relationship as you do into your children and your job, which can be a tall order. Find private time together every day; dress attractively for each other (stop sitting around in your boxers once in a while); and don't wait to make love until you fall into bed at the end of the day, too exhausted to do anything but sleep. You've already put a lot of work into maintaining a good relationship–what's the point if you can't reward yourselves with a quickie?

Relationship MYTHS #3

Opposites Attract And Make Good Lifetime Partners

Reality: You've heard this one a million times–if nothing else, it's been the basis of every sitcom since Cheers. But while some aspects of differing personalities complement one another–for instance, an outgoing partner may feel more grounded around an introvert–in general, research shows that the most stable couplings are between people with similar goals and a similar way of handling relationships. That's why premarital counseling often includes discussion sparked by a questionnaire that measures similarities in communication style and conflict resolution.

What to do about it: If you're searching for a life partner, look where women with characteristics and interests comparable to yours are likely to be, including work conferences or social events, clubs catering to your hobbies, religious functions–everywhere except "gentlemen's clubs" or family reunions. And remember that being with someone you find exotic may be exciting at first, but the feeling isn't likely to last unless it turns out there are some some deep-down similarities between you–wand a persistent horniness doesn't count, though it's a start.

Relationship MYTHS #4

Never Lie

Reality: We've all heard how important honesty is in a relationship. (Of course, if you're doing something you can't be honest about, that's a problem in and of itself.) But the kind of games couples play when dating–say, not always being available to the other person as a way to encourage wooing, or telling white lies to boost the other person's morale–can help keep the heat turned up in the long run. "I know a long-married woman who confessed to her husband that she had sometimes lied about how much she wanted him sexually, because she knew how he relished the chase," Goulston recalls. This kind of game-playing has long-term heat as its goal, not divorce.

What to do about it: Game-playing that harms the other person–like flirting openly with her sister–can damage your relationship and will likely leave you sleeping somewhere lumpy at night. But general playfulness can keep a marriage young over time. "Game-playing that's sensitive to the other person is acceptable; game-playing that takes advantage of the other person isn't," Goulston says.

Relationship MYTHS #5

You have to feel in love all the time.

Reality: "Everyone would like to feel that way forever, because the passion you experience early in a relationship can be intoxicating," says psychiatrist Mark Goulston, M.D., a MEN'S FITNESS advisory board member and author of The Six Secrets of a Lasting Relationship. "But in real life, while there are times when you feel `in love,' there are also times when you `have love' for your partner. The former means loving the way she makes you feel; the latter is loving who she actually is."

In fact, some evolutionary biologists believe nature has programmed you to feel hot for each other about three months, just long enough to get pregnant.

Of course, sometimes when you've lost that lovin' feeling, it means the relationship isn't working out. "If instead of finding ways to arrange your life around your partner you're finding excuses not to be with her, that's a good indication you should think about leaving the relationship," Goulston says.

What to do about it: If you want to get that red-hot mojo back, you can. "Have a conversation with her about when and why you started not being as turned on by her," Goulston says, "and what it would take to reawaken your desire. When you fall in love, your relationship is preinstalled with chemistry–you just need to figure out how to spark things up again."

Relationship MYTHS #6

Live Together First

Reality: "Living together can become a trap for both men and women," Schwartz says. "Men often think it's an easy way to resolve their ambivalence. So while she's thinking, `Now we're on our way to getting married,' he's thinking, `This is cheaper than paying two rents, and it'll give me time to think.' But instead of making the decision of whether to commit easier, it makes it more difficult–it's harder to intensify the relationship in small increments, and it's harder to break up." In fact, studies have found that couples who live together before marriage are actually less likely to stay married.

What to do about it: According to Schwartz, living together for a few months can be helpful if the man and woman are already making wedding plans and they just want to test the waters before taking the final plunge. Or it can be a practical choice for couples when both have decided they never want to get married. Otherwise, Schwartz says, the decision to live together can ensnare you for years in a situation that really isn't good for either of you.

Relationship MYTHS #7

If the sex isn't great at first, it'll eventually get better.

Reality: Committed, sexually compatible couples often find that sex gets better over time, as they become more comfortable with each other's body and desires. But when a woman doesn't seem to care much for sex with you in the beginning, or seems to go along with it just to make you happy, that isn't likely to change. "Men think, `She may be inhibited, but she just needs to trust me and open up to me–I'll make her into the partner I want,'" Schwartz says. "And she actually may seem to warm up to you a bit in the falling-in-love stage. But a woman has needs that are internally generated and that develop early in life–either she loves sex or she doesn't. And eventually she'll revert to that."

What to do about it: Pay attention to whether or not her needs match yours. Unless she harbors a psychological inhibition that can be overcome or a genuine religious conviction against sex before marriage, her sex drive isn't likely to change no matter how much of a stud you are.

Real Relationships are tough – At best.  Commitment requires time, patience, communication, and being in tune with your partner.  You have 2 ears and 1 mouth – Use them in proportion in any argument.

Whether you are dating in Portland Oregon, or anywhere else on the planet, get these relationship myths out in the open up front and save having to dispute them later.